Do not stand at my grave and weep 

by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.

Sometimes I wonder what being a good girlfriend means. I picture the ideal gf to be sweet and caring, loving, supportive, not needy, not controlling, possessing those kinds of traits and stuff.

Sometimes I wonder though.. To what extent can you actually tolerate a certain man who suddenly disregards everything you do, answers a word or two to your paragraph long not to mention endearing texts, is always in a hurry when you are finally in a conversation, all for the sake of his frickin computer games. 

You tell yourself, the last thing you want is to be a kill joy, or needy or god-forbid clingy! But to what extent, to what degree, to what length, can you really stay patient or SANE for crying out loud?!!

I’ve know a lot of married couples who fight over this type of addiction and sometimes men literally diss their families just for their stupid games. I often times wish computer games were never invented, or made illegal and stuff… but that will never happen. Wishful thinking.

Some men really are addicted to a point where they are willing to lose sleep, lose nutrients, lose personal hygiene and lose you. They wont care… just as long as they have their stupid game. So now I wonder if anyone out there has this problem. I really want to learn from you guys out there. Hope to hear from you soon..

from Marley and Me:

A dog has no use for fancy cars
Or big homes or designer clothes
A waterlog stick will do just fine
A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor
Clever or dull, smart or dumb
Give ‘em your heart and he’ll give you his
How many people can you say that about?

How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special?

How many people can make you feel extraordinary?

nanood ako ng eheads concert sa gma 7 last night… Pinagpuyatan ko pa naman eh hindi naman pala kumpleto! Puro kanta lang yung pinakita, hindi included yung events na talagang nag-add ng “magic” doon sa concert. Hindi included yung funny, kainis, out-right nakakaimbyerna, sweet, touching, at awesome events. Parang nanood lang ako ng MTV or Myx, ganon lang.

So I decided na ikwento ng buo ang mga pangyayari…..

8pm: binuksan na ‘yung lights ng stage. (pinapwesto ko na si chudith and made sure she’s in a safe place.. malayo sa mga jumping jologs, pero i doubt naman kung makaafford sila sa pwesto namin. Afterwhich I looked for B at the gate)

8:30, pinakita na sa screen ‘yung mga people. eh ‘di nag-hiyawan na!.. (humiyaw ako kasi nawawala pa rin si B) tapos bigla ba naman lumabas ung apat na VJ’s ng MTV. ok lang sana.. pwedeng i-tollerate… kaso….

Una sa lahat si anne curtis, parang naka-dyosa attire pa, ang wala! pa-slang slang pa, tindahan daw ni aling nene???? nasigawan tuloy ng tao ng isang malakas at tagalog na tagalog na “NENA!” sabay “WEEEEhhh!!! at BOOOO!!!!” ahahaha!! buti nga! tapos ‘ayun umalis din.

pinakita na ‘yung mga past videos/interviews/launches/albums ng eraserheads.
tapos nag-count down ng Z-E..
ganito oh!..
Z
Y
X
W
V
U
T
S
R
Q
P
O
N
M
L
K
J
I
H
G
F
at isang baliktad na E.
for eraserheads.

lumabas na ‘yung eraserheads!..
(naiiyak na ko! wala pa rin si B! naligaw sa dami ng pipol!)
ito ‘yung mga kanta..

set 1

1. magasin
2. walang nagbago
3. maling akala - sabi ba naman ni ely, ‘maliit na butas, lumalaki! konting kuskos, ayos!’
4. maskara - binato ni ely ung jacket nya, kaso impossible naman umabot sa kinatatayuan ko diba?                                                                                         5. poorman’s grave                                                                                                                                                                                                                       6. waiting for the bus
7. huwag mo nang itanong - si marcus my love ang kumanta nito. haha! Ang lupeet ng reggae version niya, ‘yung chorus niya, puro lang ‘huwag mo nang itanong, huwag mo nang itanong, hindi ko sasabihin, hindi ko sasabihin’, kaya tuloy ‘yung mga nanonood or atleast ako, lagi siyang tinatanong ng ‘why?’.
8. slow mo - si raimund kumanta nito                                                                                                                                                                                        9. alkohol - si raimund pa rin.. pagod n yta si ely ah!
10. insomya - e-hen-som-ya. e-hen-som-ya!                                                                                                                                                                         11. torpedo - si ely na ulit!.. ANG GANDA!!

(habang naliligaw pa rin si B, hindi naman ako nawawalan ng pag-asa. I checked on chudith at mukhang sobrang saya at nasa alapaap naman siya kaya ayos naman iwan ng sandali. Nagabang ako for B sa gate at best of all… Nakipaglandian muna ko sa mga security! I’m in bicep heaven pareh! lol)

set 2

12. julie tearjerky - ‘pagbalik nila sa screen, naka-upo na silang lahat.. may sofa provided.. then, after the song, nagtanong si ely ‘how do you like our new house?’. haha!
13. tikman
14. wishing wells (natupad ang wish ko… dumating na SA WAKAS si B! Meron palang mga entrance din sa left side! sooo.. kung may VIP gate, Gold A & B, Silver A & B, Bronze etc sa side ko… Meron din pala sa side ni B! Eh naisip ko na yun eh… kaso naisip ko rin magsabi na lang ng landmark, kamukha ng Magnolia Ice Cream Parlor. Ang dali-dali naman sabihin na sa kabilang side diba? In other words malabo ako magbigay ng instructions!)
15. fine time - ‘pakatapos’ nagtanong si ely ‘okey pa ba kayo? wala, konti eh’. (cyempre ok na ok na ko! nasa alapaap pa rin!)                                  nagrerequest ‘yung tao ng group hug dito sa time na ‘to, tapos sumagot si ely, ‘kayo muna!’, aba! kahit na kung sinong mga nilalang pa yang mga katabi ko willing ako makipag-group hug, makita ko lang na mag-group hug sila.. pero sabi ni raimund wala daw group hug..
16. pare ko - ang lutong ng ‘TANG-INA’ mo ‘dun ely aa!..‘yun pala magaling na siya sa kama! akala ko ay dehins pa!’
17. kailan - hoo-woo-hooo-woo! solo ‘to ni ely with itchyworms’ jazz nicholas’ keyboards. may sumigaw na audience ng ‘i love you ely’, haha! sagot ni ely, ‘i love you too, PARE!’.
18. back 2 me
19. trip to jerusalem
20. spolarium
21. overdrive - after this, nagsabi si ely ng ‘thank you and good night’, (HINDI AKO NANIWALA! HINDI PWEDE YOWN! matagal kong hinintay ang sandaling yown tapos bitin lang? walang Alapaap??) teka lang, hindi pwede ito! walang tribute kay francis M.?

(sabi senyo style lang nila yun eh!)

encore part 1..

22. superproxy - ‘c’mon people, i wanna see you dance!’ - ely sunod naman kami— di kami uto-uto ah!                                                                           23. minsan - nakakaiyak                                                                                                                                                                                                           24. alapaap - kinanta ulit!!! YEY!! di na ko makaintindi nitong moment na to.. kasi I’m way up there… sa ALAPAAP.                                                               25. kaleidoscope - ‘isigaw niyo, FRANCIS! FRANCIS! laksan niyo pa!’ tapos after the song, sabi ni ely, ‘MABUHAY SI FRANCIS!’, di kaya siya matakot pagnagkataon?                                                                                                                                                                                                                           26. ang huling el bimbo - during the song, sinindihan ni ely ‘yung keyboard niya, then tinapak-tapakan niya. Ano ‘yon? Burn all the memories of eraserheads? ANG SAKEHT MEN! Yun din yung keyboard na ginamit ‘dun sa stickerhappy album eh..

confetti

fireworks

uwian na.

(in a state of shock pa kami ni chudith, si B sinasakyan lang talaga ang kaligayahan ko… di naman talaga siya fan. heheh)

picture picture… ang luwag promise! tapos ang suuuper lapit namin! ang ganda pala sa VIP.

 
tapos!..
tapos..
TAPOS..
biglang nagsalita ulit si raimund!..
‘gusto niyo pa?’
hiyawan ‘yung tao!..
‘OO!..’
sabi ni raimund, ‘tawagin niyo si ely!..’
‘ELY!..’
sabi ni raimund ulit, ‘tawagin nio pa, wala pa si marcus, pati si buddy!..’
‘marcus!.. buddy!..

nanigas…. ang aking…… katawan. yeah! (super! is this real??)

nagusap-usap pa sila..
siguro kung ano pa ‘yung kakantahin!..
then sabi ni ely, 3 songs for the road..
an lupet!..

encore part 2

27. ligaya- HUWAW TALAGA!!
28. sembreak- lumilindol ba chudith?
29. toyang - si Ely bumaba ng stage pero hanggang ‘dun lang siya sa VIP, at guarded pa!.. tapos nagp-party na ang mga tao and promise para talagang lumilindol na! chudith lumilindol ba???

and suddenly… tapos na ang concert at for real na this time. snif! snif!

ang saya saya saya talaga ‘nung concert!..

nakataas lahat ng balahibo!

nakakakilabot sa galing.

nakakatuwa.

nakakaiyak.

The best talaga!! The best.

madaming nangyari sa akin last year. around the time na usap-usapan ang concert ng eheads hanggang sa natuloy na nga siya super daming pangyayari sa masalimuot na buhay ni chichay. yon ang reason kung bakit hindi ko nagawang pumunta sa concert na matagal ko ng pinapangarap… ang soundtrack ng buhay ko.

nangyari na ang mga nangyari, di natapos ang concert, na-ospital si ely, gumaling na siya, wala na kong boypren at tapos na ang suicidal emo moments… at ngayon tuloy na ang final set concert!!! this is my chance to make things right!! bakit ko nga ba pinagpalit ang eheads dahil sa sabi ng iisang nilalang??? this is it!! at para akong mababaliw! ahahah… OA.

ummm… 4 ung kinds ng seating, ay free standing pala.. but anyhow..

cympre may VIP which is 5k (hanggang pangarap lang),

tpos may gold- 3k (mapuputulan ako ng kuryente),

silver 1,300 ata (kakain ako ng pawang kangkong lamang for one month),

tpos bronze (na kailangan na siguro ng microscope), pero 300 lang.

nahihiya naman ako manghingi kay mama kasi nga sa nakalipas na mga buwan, I was offered a job, I got a dog named kobe and I moved out of the condo I share with my mom and my *BEEP* brother.

mayabang ako. hindi ako humihingi ng allowance, pwera na lang kung titirik na mata ko kakakain ng oatmeal at maglalakad na ko ng ilang kilometro papunta ng school. kaya malamang pipiliin ko na lang ung kangkong for one month.

ang concert na to isn’t just a concert for me… it’s my way of doing the things i wanted to do before “those stuff that happened” last year. siyempre treat ko na rin siya sa sarili ko dahil i’ve progressed these past few months. this is my way of saying, not everything in your past was crappy… nandyan parin ang eheads, kakantahan ka nila sa march 7.

***an excerpt from a ym conversation on relationships and unhappiness***

Mr. X: with Ms. A, I did kinda have feelings for…
Mr. X: with Ms. K… I thought I had feelings
Mr. X: but they turned out to be misguided
Mr. X: same with Ms. T
Ms. C: loving and kinda having feelings for is waaay different.

Mr. X: you know, I told Ms. T I loved her at one point, same with Ms. K

Mr. X: but it turns out the love was misguided
Ms. C: that’s why you really have to have some true definition for love.. so u don’t confuse it with some other STUFF!
Ms. C: too much sex messes up the brain… and since you’ve had too much, not having it messes up ur brain as well.

Ms. C: you can still find a way to sort those emotions out and find a path to happiness.. i guess…

Mr. X: I don’t think I was ever truly destined to be happy…not for another decade at least
Ms. C: i haven’t been exactly religious these past year or so… but i still do believe in God
Ms. C: i believe in Him and his love for us
Ms. C: and well… he wants us to be happy
Ms. C: its our fault why were not.

*few minutes of silence*
Ms. C: you still there or did i lost u at God?
Mr. X: A part of me just doesn’t want to care…
Mr. X: about much of anything…

Ms. C: well… YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Mr. X: they said that on the x-files too
Ms. C: the movie or the series?
Mr. X: well, that’s the general idea of the x-files in general…not alone
Ms. C: oh ok… what time is it in NY anyway?
Mr. X: almost 4am

Ms. C: oh ok…

Mr. X: sorry…I know that’s not quite what you were getting at with the god stuff.
Ms. C: sometimes i just don’t want to think about those religion stuff as well…
Ms. C: religion and doctrine and all those other stuff is complicated…
Ms. C: and thinking about it just confuses me more

Ms. C: but i do believe in God…
Ms. C: and you know what…
Ms. C: everyday, he gives moments where you have the opportunity to change your life or to be happy or not.. but most of the time we miss it.
Mr. X: I don’t know who god is
Mr. X: sometimes…I wonder
Mr. X: what lessons are there to be taught when so many acts of violence and depravity go unchecked in the world
Mr. X: what does God think of Darfur?
Mr. X: What does got think of drug violence in mexico?
Mr. X: What does god think of prostitution across the world?

Ms. C: yeah, it is confusing the hell out of me too… u do notice that I’m not religious like before right?
Ms. C: but still… i also do understand why in a way…
Ms. C: but not completely.
Ms. C: that’s why i told you that you are not alone, because i am as confused as you are.
Mr. X: Why did god let that thing happen to you at that party? Why did god have me on the phone with you for an hour and a half wanting to just take your pain away?
Ms. C: i actually know the answer to that.
Ms. C: you know Mr. X, before i went to that party a lot of things almost stopped me from going.. while on the way there, there were stuff that happened.

*silence*

Ms. C: this old woman i sat down with at the jeep going to the party started talking to me…

Ms. C: i asked her for directions because i didn’t know where that street of the frat party was. She gave them to me then she said, “Mag-ingat ka anak, piliin mo mga nakakasama mo.” what she said was something like… “be careful my child, choose the people you keep around you.” –i never told her i was going to a party.

Ms. C: i was starting to have this weird feeling that i don’t want to come to the party anymore.. i got off where she told me to, bought cigarettes and started thinking for a while
Ms. C: then my friend came to pick me up on his motor bike and i went to the frat party anyway

Ms. C: less than a week later there were these two guys in 7/11

Ms. C: i was waiting for someone…
Ms. C: those two old men were waiting for someone too

*thinking*

Mr. X: and?
BUZZ!!!

Ms. C: and the conversation started when i fed two street kids watching at the 7/11 window… other kids saw what happened and they started begging at the window so the 7/11 employee got pissed off… so i sent the two kids off
Ms. C: and the two men started talking to me and asking if i know those two kids, and why i fed them..
Ms. C: i told them no and that the kids only reminded me of my students in my preaching point back in a Bible school in Pangasinan
Ms. C: suddenly their faces glow, turns out they were Christians too… and they start talking to me about christian stuff… at that point i really was not into it, not religious or even spiritual anymore
Ms. C: they told me that a lot of bad things happen in this world… they told me to choose the people i associate myself with, they told me to be careful…
Ms. C: they even had comments that just struck me… like stuff about being young and messing up and stuff

Ms. C: all of a sudden i didn’t want to see the person i was waiting for anymore… i went home, finished a pack of cigs one after the other… and as i was about to light my next stick, i got a txt from the person i was waiting for…

Ms. C: i still saw that person that night. 

Ms. C: while in a seminar in UP Diliman about a week later, I ran into my old DVBS teacher… he was like a father to me. We talked for a while, then before saying goodbye he told me, “Don’t forget what I taught you as a child, ok? Remember our Christian standards… do not conform to the world.”

Ms. C: that night… i once again messed up and added another regretful thing in my life.
Ms. C: these events happened to me again and again, with different people, in different places… a man who knew me when I was innocent and untainted by the world and three other strangers, all unaware of my battles and my demons but they all said the same things…
Ms. C: and hours after those talks, its like nothing happened.. in one ear, out the other…

Ms. C: its like i always fail to listen
Ms. C: i never learn
Ms. C: see….
Ms. C: you might be skeptical about it, you might think its coincidence even if it happened thrice… but deep inside i felt something else about it.
Ms. C: somehow God uses people… but we’re just not sensitive enough.
BUZZ!!!
Mr. X’s status is now “Idle”. (12/20/2008 5:02 PM)

Naaalala nyo ba yung blog ko dati? Yung “Wataymintuseyis”? Tungkol yun sa pagiging tanga eh; pagiging tanga dahil sa pag-ibig… Ang sabi ko dun, wag kayo magpapaka-tanga mga girls. Aba! ang galing ko kaya dun! Binalaan ko pa sila kung ano ang dapat i-avoid… Dami nag-react dun, kasi parang ang harsh ko daw kasi.

After a few months… Eto na ko ngayon. Parang kinain ko lahat ng sinabi ko dun! hahah… Ganun lang talaga siguro ang pag-ibig, minsan nagiging tanga. Minsan nasasaktan at kadalasan it’s beyond our control. Kaya ayos lang. Masaya kong binabawi ang ‘moral lesson’ ng blog na yun. Wala lang yun! Some random rant na naisipan kong gawin nung badtrip ako sa lahi ni Adan.

Ang ating bagong lesson?

Wag magsasalita ng tapos.

bakit???

bakiiiit???

ang tanga tanga ko!!!!

Dapat talaga…

Dapat talaga…

Pumunta ako sa concert ng Eraserheads, kahit ano mangyari!

Ngayon ko lang narealize ah… huhuhuh….

Get through another sleepless night.

Stop wondering how he’s doing.

Convince yourself with all your might

that you’re better off without him.

But no matter how tough

and no matter how brave

and no matter how willing you are to give,

all efforts wont matter

a fighter wont win

in this crazy old game

i guess no one prevails.

“I love you.” was said

now “I love you.” is gone

you end up wondering,

hurting and numb.

Honey was said never to spoil.

Was it a lie,

or was it never honey?

Just sugar with oil..

-Charmaine