***an excerpt from a ym conversation on relationships and unhappiness***

Mr. X: with Ms. A, I did kinda have feelings for…
Mr. X: with Ms. K… I thought I had feelings
Mr. X: but they turned out to be misguided
Mr. X: same with Ms. T
Ms. C: loving and kinda having feelings for is waaay different.

Mr. X: you know, I told Ms. T I loved her at one point, same with Ms. K

Mr. X: but it turns out the love was misguided
Ms. C: that’s why you really have to have some true definition for love.. so u don’t confuse it with some other STUFF!
Ms. C: too much sex messes up the brain… and since you’ve had too much, not having it messes up ur brain as well.

Ms. C: you can still find a way to sort those emotions out and find a path to happiness.. i guess…

Mr. X: I don’t think I was ever truly destined to be happy…not for another decade at least
Ms. C: i haven’t been exactly religious these past year or so… but i still do believe in God
Ms. C: i believe in Him and his love for us
Ms. C: and well… he wants us to be happy
Ms. C: its our fault why were not.

*few minutes of silence*
Ms. C: you still there or did i lost u at God?
Mr. X: A part of me just doesn’t want to care…
Mr. X: about much of anything…

Ms. C: well… YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Mr. X: they said that on the x-files too
Ms. C: the movie or the series?
Mr. X: well, that’s the general idea of the x-files in general…not alone
Ms. C: oh ok… what time is it in NY anyway?
Mr. X: almost 4am

Ms. C: oh ok…

Mr. X: sorry…I know that’s not quite what you were getting at with the god stuff.
Ms. C: sometimes i just don’t want to think about those religion stuff as well…
Ms. C: religion and doctrine and all those other stuff is complicated…
Ms. C: and thinking about it just confuses me more

Ms. C: but i do believe in God…
Ms. C: and you know what…
Ms. C: everyday, he gives moments where you have the opportunity to change your life or to be happy or not.. but most of the time we miss it.
Mr. X: I don’t know who god is
Mr. X: sometimes…I wonder
Mr. X: what lessons are there to be taught when so many acts of violence and depravity go unchecked in the world
Mr. X: what does God think of Darfur?
Mr. X: What does got think of drug violence in mexico?
Mr. X: What does god think of prostitution across the world?

Ms. C: yeah, it is confusing the hell out of me too… u do notice that I’m not religious like before right?
Ms. C: but still… i also do understand why in a way…
Ms. C: but not completely.
Ms. C: that’s why i told you that you are not alone, because i am as confused as you are.
Mr. X: Why did god let that thing happen to you at that party? Why did god have me on the phone with you for an hour and a half wanting to just take your pain away?
Ms. C: i actually know the answer to that.
Ms. C: you know Mr. X, before i went to that party a lot of things almost stopped me from going.. while on the way there, there were stuff that happened.

*silence*

Ms. C: this old woman i sat down with at the jeep going to the party started talking to me…

Ms. C: i asked her for directions because i didn’t know where that street of the frat party was. She gave them to me then she said, “Mag-ingat ka anak, piliin mo mga nakakasama mo.” what she said was something like… “be careful my child, choose the people you keep around you.” –i never told her i was going to a party.

Ms. C: i was starting to have this weird feeling that i don’t want to come to the party anymore.. i got off where she told me to, bought cigarettes and started thinking for a while
Ms. C: then my friend came to pick me up on his motor bike and i went to the frat party anyway

Ms. C: less than a week later there were these two guys in 7/11

Ms. C: i was waiting for someone…
Ms. C: those two old men were waiting for someone too

*thinking*

Mr. X: and?
BUZZ!!!

Ms. C: and the conversation started when i fed two street kids watching at the 7/11 window… other kids saw what happened and they started begging at the window so the 7/11 employee got pissed off… so i sent the two kids off
Ms. C: and the two men started talking to me and asking if i know those two kids, and why i fed them..
Ms. C: i told them no and that the kids only reminded me of my students in my preaching point back in a Bible school in Pangasinan
Ms. C: suddenly their faces glow, turns out they were Christians too… and they start talking to me about christian stuff… at that point i really was not into it, not religious or even spiritual anymore
Ms. C: they told me that a lot of bad things happen in this world… they told me to choose the people i associate myself with, they told me to be careful…
Ms. C: they even had comments that just struck me… like stuff about being young and messing up and stuff

Ms. C: all of a sudden i didn’t want to see the person i was waiting for anymore… i went home, finished a pack of cigs one after the other… and as i was about to light my next stick, i got a txt from the person i was waiting for…

Ms. C: i still saw that person that night. 

Ms. C: while in a seminar in UP Diliman about a week later, I ran into my old DVBS teacher… he was like a father to me. We talked for a while, then before saying goodbye he told me, “Don’t forget what I taught you as a child, ok? Remember our Christian standards… do not conform to the world.”

Ms. C: that night… i once again messed up and added another regretful thing in my life.
Ms. C: these events happened to me again and again, with different people, in different places… a man who knew me when I was innocent and untainted by the world and three other strangers, all unaware of my battles and my demons but they all said the same things…
Ms. C: and hours after those talks, its like nothing happened.. in one ear, out the other…

Ms. C: its like i always fail to listen
Ms. C: i never learn
Ms. C: see….
Ms. C: you might be skeptical about it, you might think its coincidence even if it happened thrice… but deep inside i felt something else about it.
Ms. C: somehow God uses people… but we’re just not sensitive enough.
BUZZ!!!
Mr. X’s status is now “Idle”. (12/20/2008 5:02 PM)